I Am Lost - Fiction Letter

Dear _____________,

I do not know where to start from. I am here, sitting at my desk, pen in hand scribbling on the letterpad you had gifted me for my birthday. The fact is that though I have started writing I have no idea how I am going to accomplish what I have set out to do. You have always been the gifted one, always been able to say it straight on face. You have always lived your life without any pretentions. I, on the other hand, have never been able to say it straight, have always put up false faces just so that I get things done my way. For a pretentious woman like me, knowing you has been a real pleasure. I would cherish you forever. I do not know how to say it without hurting you because the truth is that whichever way I say it, it is going to hurt.
That is my major concern. Despite everything we have been through lately, I still care for you and I cannot see you getting hurt. Past few days have not been the best days of our life and let us skip blaming each another for the same because the truth is that we both are equally responsible.

Growing up in to a woman, I have always learned that it is better to end those relationships, which begin to hurt. I have seen people going separate ways with a smile and I have seen people staying together crying in their separate rooms. I have always prefered the first types. Yet, today when it is happening to me, happening in my life, I find it difficult to take the step. I am lost.

Of course, one needs to try to mend the relationship, try to sort out things and turn the pain into something pleasant. However, there is a limit to trying. I am sure we both know that we have crossed that limit already. We both have tried our best, given our best to our relationship and tried to mend it and turn it into something beautiful. And, though it might seem to you that spending nights together in bed making love means we have sorted out our problems, the fact is that it is not so. This is something we can call as getting adjusted to. Because we both know that in our minds we are still separate and hardly anything can bring us together again.

You might perhaps want to hold me back, might perhaps ask for one more chance but that I am not ready for. I would have loved to get it sorted out. You might call me selfish, blame me for wanting things my way but that is how I am and that is how it would be between us. For the good of both of us let us move away. Let us start a new life altogether. You might find someone you would love more than you ever loved me. Perhaps she would give you what I could never give you.
I agree that you never cursed me for not being capable of giving you a child but that does not change the truth and how much ever you refuse to accept it, how much ever you try to keep your frustration to yourself, you are a human being and somewhere, at some point of time that frustration is bound to show up, just like what happened a few moments before I started writing this letter.
I wish I could take a peek into your dream and wipe your silent tears which fell on your pillow, I wish I could seal your lips with my love so that you could not say the words, which you said in your dream.

I know you love me and believe me I love you too but this is it. Please understand that this is the point in our life when we have to take a firm decision and go our separate ways. We would eventually learn to live without each other.

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Books by Arti Honrao

Depression is REAL

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