I wonder sometimes…

There are a few thoughts that constantly keep  running through the back of my mind. Thoughts that I do not want to think about, thoughts that I want to get rid of. However, the train of thoughts never stops. It becomes more disturbing when my mind is idle; and that is much too often these days. I try many a times to keep myself busy, but in vain. Whenever I am doing nothing, these thoughts come back to haunt me. Why is it so difficult for me?

There are a few things I wish I could change, of course for good. I am not sure whatever is happening is right or wrong. But, there is no happiness around, which probably means that it is not right. But, then, it just seems to be right for some people. May be it is just the perspective that matters. Yes, that might be the case.
Thoughts become action. This is the most important lesson I have learned in the near past. I am not sure whose thoughts are coming into action when a few things I do not like, happen. Yes, there have been times when I have realized that I am responsible for something to happen. Not in the literal sense, but yes, thought-wise. I have seen things happening as a result of my thoughts and hence I guard my thoughts. I try to infuse as much optimism in my thinking as I can. Yet, at a particular point of time, things just snap out of hand. It is, then, someone else's thoughts taking shape of action. I am a mere spectator then. 'That' does not suit me. I have never been able to stand on one side and watch bad things happening. I have always found myself plunging into whatever the situation is, that is bothering me or people around me and trying to 'sort' things out. Call it a Virgo trait or just that God has made me that way.
How I wish things could be a lot more 'greener' than they are right now! May be time will do the needful; may be I just need to have some patience. Sometimes, I just get scared. I know that is not the right kind of feeling to feel when we are talking about 'thoughts becoming actions' and so I try to shrug it off. Unless and until I vent out or figure out a few things, these scary thoughts are going to return to haunt me. I desperately want to empty out my thoughts. Someone, somehow, somewhere! There are so very few options available and out of those; I always prefer to choose the one that can bring in the peace. Writing. It has always helped me in the past. Somehow, for some reason I have been holding back. Trying not to pen down my thoughts. 

Giving the shape of words to thoughts is a way to confirm that you are bothered by 'these' thoughts. Not being able to write was suffocating me past so many days. I think now is the time to break the shackles. Of course, there are ways to do that. Thought pouring and being optimistic can go hand in hand. One can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. Sad and hopeful. Disturbed and at peace. Lost and completely in control. I do not know how many are going to agree to what I am saying. How should that affect me? As long as I believe what I believe, I should believe it.
Each and every person has his own way of handling matters. This is mine.
Yes, things did not turn out to the the way I wanted them to be. I tried a few futile attempts to change it to my liking, with fear and frustration at the back of my mind, at the same time. Fine, I did not have it my way. Should that make me quit? I would rather concentrate on finding other ways to make that happen. I can always choose to be hopeful. I need to maintain the peace of my mind at the same time. Too much meddling with other people's choice is not going to help either. There has to be a balance. There has to be limitations. What intrigues me the most is; who actually has the right to draw that line of limitation? Me or the other concerned person? Does each and every person not have the right to live life of his choice? That puts me in yet another awkward situation; should I be really doing it? Trying to change things?
It often gets on my nerves when I struggle between the two different choices that I have. Always hurts to be someone between two differently thinking group of people. Does this sound brainless?
Things change, priorities change, PEOPLE change. Change is the only thing in this world that is constant. It is inevitable. Who changes whom is not always related to the strength, as in - mental strength of the people involved. Sometimes, people of stronger will also lose the game, for the love they have for the other party involved. This brings me to the question. Should one love someone so much, so selflessly? Why is it that Ego, so miraculously keeps out of this? Say, if ego does step in, does that, in any way, bring down the level of caring and love one has for someone?
How easily can someone influence some other person? In such a way that the other person changes himself willingly for him, changes that the other person would have resisted, had it been for someone else. Is this the right way of adjusting? Is it appropriate to pretend to be someone that you are not? Absolutely not, I would say. But then, I have to admit that I have seen cases where it is the most 'called for'.
After going through a series of torture, whether to be or not to be the way others want that person to be, he sometimes, fails to find the true person that he is. And, it is at such times, under such circumstances that I feel deeply for that person, irrespective of whether that person agrees or disagrees to be the way I want that person to be. Because, in the end, the fact is that I am not the right person to be influenced by.
Should that stop me from trying? Especially if I know that a few changes can bring about a positive atmosphere? I wonder sometimes.

Books by Arti Honrao

Depression is REAL

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