I know I have not been as regular in writing to you, as I was before. Even today, things got busier and I forgot that I had promised to write. A promise to myself I always try to keep. But, I have realized that if I do forget, something happens that reminds me of my promise. Even today, it was the white dove that was perched outside my kitchen window that reminded me.
When few months ago I had forgotten to write to you for the first time, I was really upset. I felt as if I was failing you. I had cried the whole day. Next time it happened, I was upset but something inside me had changed. It hurt, but not as much as it had hurt for the first time. The third time was even easier. In the end, I realized that what mattered was the fact that somehow I did remember to write. Every time it happens, I ask myself whether I am getting used to living without you and every time I tell myself that remembering to write always brings me closer to you. Every time I write to you, I share a part of my life with you and become a part of your life.
Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, they say. I know in my heart that it is true. Writing to each another, keeping in touch is what makes it count. In our case, however, I cannot even expect you to write to me. I know you cannot. And, I also know that had it been possible for you, you would have definitely written.
As you know, things have been changing in my life for past few weeks. It seems as if things I had never believed would happen to me, are happening and I cannot even stop myself from flowing with the tide. You have always been there for me and that has always been the only thing I wanted in my life, until – you know.
Every time I listened to the Guitar Instrumental audio cd, I was reminded of how you used to play the guitar for me and I used to listen with my head resting on your shoulder, as if I could let this continue till eternity. Then, things changed. I never wanted them to, but they did. Now, he plays the guitar for me and I listen sitting next to him. He does want me to rest my head on his shoulder, just like it was with you but I cannot. Sometimes, I feel he is trying hard to be you. I tried telling him that he can never be you and he need not be you. I love him for what he is. Anyways, when he plays the guitar I get lost in the music and when I close my eyes, for a moment I think I would see your face, as I always have. It did happen for a few times, and then one day your face was replaced by his. I feared it was bad, but you answered my question.
"How can I really say that I am maintaining my long distance relationship with you when I am falling for another man?" I wonder many a times at night as he wraps his arms around me. But, the guilt has now been replaced by the security that his presence in my life provides. I need him as much as I need you. He knows it well. Couple of times, it was he who reminded me that I have to write to you. I have kept my promise to write, like, I am sure you are keeping yours. I can feel it in my heart. The warmth of your love still envelopes me, a protective shield against harm. I am lucky to have met two men who have loved me more than their lives.
I will keep writing. I hope this letter writing never becomes an obligation. So far, it has always been from my heart and I want it to be the same way. I cannot tell you how much relieved I was when he told me that he does not mind me writing. I was surprised when yesterday night as I rested my head on his chest, he told me that he wants to be there with me when I give you the letter. So, he will be visiting with me. Since morning he has not mentioned the letter, so maybe he has forgotten. I need to call him and ask whether he still wants to come. I will bring your favorite white roses when I visit and as I keep the letter along with the white roses, I would know that you would be there and you would read the letter, like you promised. When the wind would blow, I would know that you are happy for me, happy that I have moved on, with your love in my heart and your happy memories that still have the ability to bring sunshine in my life.
I love you, would always will.
Yours in love
The fictional character / letter-writer, writes this letter to her dead lover because she has promised him that she would write. She has now fallen in love with another man but not fallen out of love with the first love of her life.