pretend...


i open myself
to new relationships
i go out on dates 
i let myself 
be loved by someone 
other than you
i pretend 
to love him back, too
he kisses me and
i close my eyes 
and
kiss him back,
an attempt to feel 
anything but the loss of you
i feel his hand on me
on my waist
under my shirt
moving up north
and i open my eyes
no, i cannot do this - 
not this -
not what he wants now.
this is not what i wanted
when i pretended 
to love someone 
other than you.
i was looking 
for an excuse
 to replace your image
with someone else's 
but i failed miserably
and i step back, away from him.

i ask him to leave 
he does
and
just before i close the door
i see you
watching me
from across the road
desire evident 
radiating through
your body language,
you know what i mean.
you must see it too,
in me, in my body.
the heat so unbearable
i pretend you must be feeling it 
across the road, too.

we stand there
like two stupid poles of lamps
rooted to the ground
i feel it in my throat now
the desire to run across to you
but i wait -
and then,
we share an imaginary kiss
with our eyes open
and i feel it on my lips
we touch each other
with a look,
and i feel that, too
the lips part
as the unreality feels so real
the gaze intensifies
and it's all that it takes 
to bring me to the edge.

we stare at each other 
i am too afraid to close my eyes 
too afraid to break the connection
too afraid to let go -
of what we have,
without really having it.

and then -
you turn around 
to go back to your house
to your wife - 
to finish 
what you started with me
and i walk back in
to do it alone.




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Books by Arti Honrao


Depression is REAL

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