she remembers...

she forgets him
because people want her to
she forgets him every night
only to remember him the next morning -
as she takes her first conscious breath
and opens her eyes
she remembers -
how he wrapped his arms around her 
and kissed her good morning,
when he was alive
and - 
she feels the warmth of his body
enveloping her.

she remembers - 
sitting at the breakfast table
sipping their first dose of caffeine 
the little things that mattered,
don't just go away 
because people want her to forget him.
but she does not tell them,
she does not tell them that she still sees him
watching her take a shower
and she feels what she had felt then
and she desperately wants to forget him again.

she closes her eyes and whispers,
pleads for him to go away
but he is still there
when she opens her eyes
he is closer than he was before
she hears an agonising cry
which, she realises, a while later - 
had escaped her lips.
she falls down on her knees
arms wrapped tight around her chest
and he disappears into the steam
as hot water continues to scald her skin
anything is better than - 
the agony of losing him.

hours and scalded skin later
she crawls out of the bathroom
and climbs into the bed
where she lays for most of the day
eyes closed tightly shut
because she knows when she opens them,
she would see him
the pain of the loss has surfaced again
and she cannot breathe
she remembers them telling her -
this would happen 
until she forgets him.
she would never tell them they were right.

hours of disturbed sleep later
she still sees him watching her sleep 
as he used to.
it felt good once -
to see his smiling face staring at her
after she opened her eyes
but now,
it just reminds her that he was gone
but not really gone.

the rest of the day does not make sense
it is just a blur
moments passing by, 
she pours herself a drink at night
and then pours some more
until she is half bottle deep
plus the empty one.
'see me now', she dares him
as she walks across the living room
stripping on her way to the bedroom
clothes scattered on the floor
like they used to be
when they could not wait till they reached the bed
she loses balance and falls
she lays on the cold floor
in her undergarments -
alone and desperate
tears and drool pooling around her
the cold seeps into her body
and she closes her eyes -
the memory of intertwined bodies fades away.

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